a heavy heart

i feel heavy now.. i duno how to express this feeling yesterday...i argue with him again... i duno how to say and explain to him... but as the bad temper of me , the ending still the same as previous.. fighting in MSN lo. sigh... i knw he appreciate all the frens he made.. but is he over d even guys not unsed to him?? i analyse to him.. then... after heard wat he said i felt pissed off .... even wana said out all the rude words to ward him... finaly i knw he discredit me. i very angry coz everytime my care become a stress or obstacle to him.. y?? so, no nextime d.. or say... really no nextime d... coz not same class.
then in the same day i read an email which stated all my ex bf expenses in uni life and i knw he is facing finacial problem even body nit surgery but.... he dun go.. becoz a suck sis he has... i wonder for sis and bro to help his younger bro or sis further their studies is wat a proud affair to them .. y tat suck sis seems like juz borrow money?? then finaly i knw how fortune i born in such a understanding family and having the relatives tat really helping my dad fulfill last wish... tats y i alwis tinking if touch wood 1 day my sis and bro facing problem.. i will help them as much as i can like how my uncles and auntie treat their brother (my dad) and look after they family.... if said pay bak to my relatives i tink i totaly no ability.. becoz they really gave alot to us d.. not oni in financial and the care v get.. the support they gave... maybe i really so fortune to born in the educated family. learnd how diff the educated ppl help their parents and so on... of coz i not discriminate the lower educated ppl. thru the incident i faced b4. i really found how diff between educated ppl and low educated ppl help others.. educated ppl they analyse alot and using the knowledge they hav to find the gud way to make a suffer family live easily, long term look after a family in nit and care.. whereas low educated ppl they using their brave , alwis said nit help juz say and like to give money and spirit supporting.. see how diff of 2 type of ppl. of coz v understd it is still depend on the ability they hav.. so far, the point of both still the same .. help ppl in nit.
this week i juz attended to my relatives gethering.. and v hav dinner togehther , in the dinner i am unhappy... becoz i felt so shame tat i cant let my mum to feel proud of me.. my mind appear many tat, y i not dare to speak to my relatives ? y a ppl study PR still scared to face social and i knw in the future, my job will such like the situation surrouding me tat nite.. y still nit to scared? not cant understd wat they spoke. is i scared they cant understd wat i speak.. finaly silent and silent.. then self-esteem become low..
who knw my dream since small wen sitting in the dining room in my grandmum house?? i juz got a small little dream was.. 1 day later this wall hanging alot of graduation pictures, ther will be 1 of my picture.. very childish?? but do u knw how proud tat ur graduation picture can hang againts the wall in my grandmum house? mayb not as top as my cousins they are.. but this is the prove of the little gal ever fell down and stand up again. do u all knw how stress of me now?? do u all knw i kept blamed by my mum tat i cant enter local uni?? do u all knw i juz hope the support frm my family? do u all knw how happy i finish this foundation nonit get blame anymore?? do u all knw i nit prove myself to my mum? do u all knw i hope my mum retired soon so tat nonit work in the stage tat shud live hapily??? do u all knw i dun like the auntie who work with my mum and taught alot discriminate to gal ? do u all knw i hope to ask the auntie "r u a woman"? but do my mum knw i already regret tat i din enter local uni?? do u all knw i feel hurted tat my mum blaming me for 1 year?? who knw??? no 1... myself knw.. oni my dad wont do like my mum did. coz watever i chose he juz support me and believe this daughter will be the 1 can let him proud of.. will i blame my mum?? no .. this is becoz my mum low educated.. but my dad knowledgeable... so wat shud i do now??? stil 1 word... it is "PROVE"..